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So the other day I was doing something and then something
unexpected happened and I got really annoyed. And THEN some
not so helpful 'programming' from the past (that sounded an awful
lot like my mother when I was four) started in on me about how I
shouldn't feel that way because ... and then there was a list of
reasons why my emotion was not valid.
Thankfully, not too far into this miasma of stifled emotion, I
realized what I was doing and quit! (BTW - there's a great
series of books about Gremlin's!
which is a 'fun' way to think/approach these internal dialogues.)
It occurred to me that I had fallen victim to a pervasive
approach to feelings in this country. It's this idea that (a)
some emotions are not good (think Church-lady type stuff, or even
some of the coaching I got from managers!) and (b) we can control
emotions.
So, I don't know if this is a learning thing for others, but I
know it made a big change in my life.
Here's the thing: we don't have control of our emotions!
It's not like we're in a situation and we analyze and think,
'hmmm.... I think now's a good time to get annoyed.' No.
Emotions happen spontaneously They don't come from the 'left
brain,' they come from the 'right brain.'
And emotions are a message. Different
emotions are telling you different things. If you (try to)
shut down the emotion you simultaneously lose the message and ramp up
the emotion. Emotions are really tenacious like that. They
have a message to deliver and by gum, they're going to deliver it!
The more you stuff it down, the worse you're going to feel.
If you can remember which emotion tells you what, that will calm
things down a lot. You simply acknowledge it. Like in this
case, I could've said to myself, "You're
thinking/surmising/feeling that something that should be minor is about
to become a big problem. Maybe you need to find a different
way." And THEN, this is important, doing some soft eyes and
deep breathing to shut down the fight/flight and free up the right
brain allows the creative processes to come online and figure out a
best fit solution for me.
Now, to be honest, I wasn't that present. I realized I was
listening to an old tape and having a do-se-do with a gremlin but I'd
already gotten a little into it, so I fell back on the
Sedona Method.
This is also a very simple method. 3 questions:
- could I feel < > ?
- would I feel < > ?
- when would I feel < > ?
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The crux of this is to actually *feel* the emotion and let it run
it's course.
Emotions are never as bad as we're anticipating they will be.
Sometimes there's a big wave and it seems like it's lasting a while,
but it always passes.
On the other hand, if you give in to revenge thoughts or rumination
or justification or any of those mind games, you'll be stuck in a
no-man's land forever. This is because your mind is making things
up and stirring things up along the way. So, just don't do this.
(Or, if you find you're doing it, consider stopping!)
Instead, hush up the Gremlin, realize it's a message, and allow the
emotion to wash through you, and on the other side, you'll feel much
better.
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